


The Heart Wants what the Heart Wants

by twangcat



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: AOU spoilers, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventually Requited Love, Lost Love, M/M, Moving On, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-12
Updated: 2015-05-17
Packaged: 2018-03-30 03:50:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3921859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twangcat/pseuds/twangcat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the prompt that Phil might fall for Lance because he 'reminded him of someone he used to know'. </p><p>Posted on Tumblr under the name "This ship hurts too much" with minor edits and originally posted here with the title "I can only love you when my eyes are closed"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I can only love you when my eyes are closed

Phil and Clint had hit the sweet spot in their relationship. They’d dealt with the miscommunication and the angst. A lot of Clint’s belongings had started to migrate from his rooms on base to Phil’s apartment and Phil was getting ready to introduce his family to the ‘cellist’.

Then Avengers happened and Phil died. Recovery took months. Clint was devastated. He threw himself into his work as an Avenger and even did some of the good will publicity stunts that Pepper organized. 

That was where he met Laura. Her husband had died during the battle of New York, but Clint had saved her two children. They bonded over their grief and her kids worshiped the ground he walked on. She gave him a safe space to escape from the pressure of being an Avenger and he made her feel safe. He taught her to laugh again and she gave him a home. Over time they became more than friends and Clint realized he could love again.

Around the time Clint started to build a relationship with Laura, Phil started to be healthy enough to want to know what was going on in the rest of the world. 

The first picture he saw of Clint kissing Laura hurt just as badly as Loki’s spear.

Phil didn't take Nick’s calls for a week after that. He didn't think he would ever recover from losing Clint and he alternated on an hourly basis from wanting to call Clint and demand he come back to him, and wanting to give Clint this chance at a normal life by letting him continue to think he was dead.

In the end Nick persuaded Phil that the right thing to do was for him to stay dead to all of the Avengers. A part of Phil died the day he decided to give Clint up forever. And maybe that’s why it took him so long to realize something else was off since his recovery. He blamed his odd moods and behaviors on his broken heart.

He’s not sure exactly when things started to change, but it was sometime after SHIELD went to hell and he became Director. No. That’s a lie. He knows the exact moment things changed. It was the middle of a planning strategy and he was outlining everyone’s roles. He’d finished and gotten approving nods from everyone in the room except Lance. Lance looked at him, gave him a cheeky grin that Phil just knew meant he was going to argue about the plan, and Phil felt his heart shatter into 1000 pieces. No one had grinned at him like that since Clint. People agreed with him, people argued with him, people challenged him, but nobody teased him like that.

He started finding excuses to spend time with Lance. When he handed out assignments, he paired himself with Lance as often as he could get away with it. The first time Lance told him that, after Bobbi, he had sworn off women for life and was 100% interested in getting a good fucking, his heart soared; and the next Lance’s teasing included ‘come hither’ eyes, Phil threw caution into the wind and kissed him. He’d spent years dancing around this with Clint, he wasn't going to make the same mistake twice.

The first time they fuck, Phil almost calls him Clint. He hates himself a little bit after that. The next day he looks up Clint and discovers that Laura is pregnant. He fucks Hunter so hard that night he’s walking funny the next day, but Lance seemed to enjoy it so Phil convinces himself it’s okay. It’s not hate sex because he doesn't hate Lance; but, every time they kiss he closes his eyes and it’s possible he hates himself a little bit more every time they fuck.

The worst part is that Lance has been around the block enough to know what’s going on. Phil always likes to fuck him from behind. Phil never says his name when they’re fucking. Lance is smart enough to put two and two together. But the truly worst part is that he doesn't want to say ‘no’. He’s always worn his heart on his sleeve and he was in too deep before Phil even looked at him twice. Walking away from Talbot and everything he promised, Lance called himself every stupid name in the book. But Phil is sexy, and brilliant, and funny, and treats him with more respect than any SO ever had before, and somehow Lance thinks that if he just stays long enough, if he just makes the sex good enough, Phil will decide that he’s good enough to replace whoever it is he’s really thinking about. 

The sex is good, but for Lance the best part is afterwards, when Phil falls asleep, sometimes he forgets who’s in his bed and those nights he wraps Lance up in his arms like he’s the most precious treasure in the world. Lance used to prefer being the big spoon, but the way Phil cradles him his arms has forced him to completely re-evaluate his opinion. He tries to stay awake those nights to savour every moment, but after being so well fucked and so well cared for, it’s hard and he always closes his eyes and falls asleep too soon.


	2. Bless the Broken Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Clint learns Phil is alive he’s devastated. How could someone who loved him let him go through so much pain? Laura tries to console him, but there is only so much she can do. They've talked about their lost loves before. She knows how much Phil meant to Clint and she loves Clint, but for the first time she doesn't really know what he’s going to do.

Then Ultron happens and Clint nearly dies like always, and Phil tries not to obsess over the monitors, but it’s actually Lance who brings Phil a tablet with live feeds from the new helicarrier, shrugs and says it’s nothing. He must shoo people away from Phil’s office because no one bothers Phil for the next day and a half as he watches from afar, first at Clint doing what he does best and saving the world (and Phil falls in love all over again), then at him recovering in medical bay. He aches to be there, sitting by Clint’s bedside pretending to do some work, playing card games with him and watching trashy TV together. He watches as Clint makes his first phone call home, his face lights up as he talks to the perfect little family Phil could never give him, and Phil’s heart breaks all over again.

By the time Clint’s signed out (and Phil can’t help but laugh at how huffy he is over medical ‘pokin’ an’ proddin’ me’) there’s so much SHIELD work piled up that Phil can’t ignore it anymore, and he opens his door to find Lance sleeping on the floor in the hallway.

He feels a pang of guilt. How long has Lance been guarding his door that he fell asleep on the cold floor? And why has he been guarding his door? So that Phil can watch a man who thinks he’s dead and doesn’t even think about him anymore? Hell. He doesn’t have Clint and he doesn’t deserve Lance.

Softly, he shakes Lance awake. He wakes up fast, a man who’s learned the hard way that the world is not a safe place to sleep, but when his gaze settles on Phil, his whole face softens for a moment before he schools it back into impassivity. Phil didn’t think he could feel like more of an asshole, but he was wrong.

“Come on,” he gently helps pull Lance up, “we’re both too old to be sleeping on floors.”

Lance’s voice is gruff with sleep, but he teases, “Speak for yourself old man,” with a smile, because he knows Phil like’s him best when he teases. He’s rewarded by the small smile that means Phil didn’t intend to smile, but couldn’t help it. He doesn’t think about what it means that he’s classified every one of Phil’s smiles to that degree of detail.

Phil hustles Lance into his bed, for once not for rough, needy sex that leaves bruises. Instead, Phil just tucks him in and is about to leave to get some work done when Lance says, “You know, it's different with me. I hate Bobbi because we ended badly, but I also still love her a little and I always will. I don't know who you left behind when you lost the Avengers and I don't need you to tell me. I know I can't ever be them, but if you want someone to listen, I can be that too. If you want.”

Phil doesn’t think, he just leans down and kisses him. It’s softer and sweeter than any kiss they’ve had; but Lance has learned that that’s not how Phil kisses, so he instinctively tries to deepen it. Phil pulls away. He can’t do this. Not when he can’t even pretend to himself that he isn’t thinking about Clint.

But when he turns to leave, Lance grabs his hand and pulls him back. “I know you haven’t slept in days. Stay.”

Phil lets out a ragged breath. “It’s not fair to you.”

“I don’t care. We can talk about it tomorrow. Tonight, let me give you what you need.” Lance tugs him down and Phil is so exhausted he stumbles into the bed.

His head is partially buried in the pillow when he whispers. “You can’t.”

Lance pulls him a little closer so for once he’s the one holding Phil. “I know,” he murmurs, “but I can help you forget.”

Phil closes his eyes and takes what he’s offering. The kiss tastes like salvation and damnation and ~~Clint~~ Lance doesn’t stop kissing him when a tear splashes on his cheek. The sex is just hand jobs, face to face, but Phil keeps his eyes closed and they both know it’s just a means to an end. A physical release for the emotions that they have no way to express.

It leaves Phil feeling wrung out. Maybe it’s the sex, maybe it’s the gentleness, maybe it’s the guilt, but for the first time since he saw that first picture of Clint and Laura, he says it aloud. It’s barely a whisper, but Lance hears, “He thinks I’m dead.”

Lance’s heart breaks again. Just when he thought loving Phil couldn’t hurt anymore, he realizes he was wrong. So he just holds the older man close and rubs his back gently, because he knows there is nothing he could say.

Phil continues, “He found somebody else.” And his voice turns bitter. “I wasn’t even dead a year before he got married.”

Lance was pretty sure he knew who it was before, but now he knows the man whose shadow he’s living in is Clint ‘Hawkeye’ Barton. He’s not sure if that makes it better or worse. He’s never going to be an Avenger. He’s never going to measure up. It makes his heart hurt, but he squeezes Phil twice, because he might not measure up, but he’s the man with Phil Coulson in his arms and possession is 9/10th of the law.

 

When Phil wakes up the next morning, he feels better than he has in a while. Lance is pliant in his arms and for the first time he takes the time to pause and watch him sleeping. He and Clint have so much in common it makes his heart hurt. They’re both insubordinate, but only because they want to do the right thing and won’t follow orders blindly; he’s always admired that in any agent, but some how Clint and Lance get under his skin with it in a way that he’s never been able to explain. Neither had an easy life, but they have an inner strength he can’t help but admire. When Hunter chose him over Talbot, he was so proud; to know that good man thought he was worth more than anything Talbot could offer, he knows he stood a little taller in his faceoff with Talbot because of it.

Lance is beautiful when he sleeps. His shield of snarkiness is down and he seems at peace. He’ll never have Clint’s arms, but he’s still damn sexy, and he’s got a strong jaw line with a rugged scruff that Phil loves. He’s always enjoyed the beard burn of kissing a man and kissing Lance is amazing.

Phil lets his fingers trail up Lance’s leg and enjoys the way he curls into Phil at the gentlest touch. God, he’s so responsive, it’s a thing of beauty to watch the way he arches into his touch even when he’s half asleep. They can do this. They can be casual together. They know they’ve each been burned and a little bit broken by the roads they've traveled. If they take some comfort in each other now that’s okay. Nobody will be getting hurt. Maybe it’s not fair, but he’s spent so much of his life not taking what he wanted because he was playing it safe, maybe this time he can just take and worry about the consequences later. The voice in his head scolding him for playing it safe sounds too much like Clint so he drowns it in kissing Lance. The scruff feels good against his face and, when Lance wakes up enough to return the kiss hungrily, the thoughts finally stop buzzing in his head and for the first time he keeps his eyes open and lets himself enjoy having Lance in his arms.

 

* * *

 

When Clint learns Phil is alive he’s devastated. How could someone who loved him let him go through so much pain? Laura tries to console him, but there is only so much she can do. They've talked about their lost loves before. She knows how much Phil meant to Clint and she loves Clint, but for the first time she doesn't really know what he’s going to do.

She wakes up to a cold bed and knows that, for the first time in their marriage, he chose to sleep on the couch downstairs rather than with her. She doesn't know if she has the strength to go downstairs and face whatever she’ll see, but then little Nathan cries and she gets up because, broken heart or not, she still has a family to care for.

Nathan’s crying stops before she gets to his room and when she goes downstairs Clint is still there and he’s started feeding their son. Her heart almost bursts and she can’t help the silent tears that start to fall. In a heartbeat, Clint has his arms wrapped around her. “I love you babe.” He murmurs into her hair. “I made a promise and I’m not going anywhere. I don’t know what the full story is, but I know where I belong.”

She can’t help the sob that escapes as she clings to him, “When you didn’t come upstairs… I thought you had left.”

He rubs soothing circles on her back. “I was up all night dear. I’m sorry. I got an idea for a playhouse for the kids and I didn’t want to wait to get started.”

Laura laughs through the last of her tears and fondly ruffles his hair, “You and your projects.”

He pretends to sound affronted but he loves this banter between them. “I know I haven’t finished the second bathroom yet, but I can work on that one when the weather’s bad, and I want our kids to have playhouse before school ends. I’m even putting in a baby swing for Nathan.”

Laura can’t help herself, she kisses him again. She knows she’s the luckiest woman in the world to have this man in her life.

 

* * *

 

“You were going to have to see him sometime” says Lance.

Phil keeps his eyes focused on the road. “I know.” His voice couldn’t have less emotion if he were a robot.

“I don’t have to be there.” It kills Lance to say it. This whole conversation fucking sucks. He doesn’t want to be in this car. He doesn’t want to be driving out to the Barton farm. He doesn’t want Phil to go see Clint at all! Their relationship was finally feeling like it was on solid footing when Nick fucking Fury had decided that the Avengers needed to know Phil was alive.

It had taken them months after Ultron to get to the point where they talked about what they were feeling and it was only three months ago that Phil had finally said ‘I love you’.  Lance still thinks that was probably the happiest day of his life. He’d been in love with Phil for going on two years and to finally hear him say it, he’d thought he’d died and gone to heaven.

Three months of bliss, of kisses, of everyone knowing they were together (not that most of the team hadn’t figured it out on their own), three months of feeling like he was whole for the first time since Bobbi broke his heart for the last time, and now the man who’s shadow had been his worst enemy for two years was going to become a full in-the-flesh person and he doesn't want any of it to happen.

Phil takes his hand off the wheel and gives Lance’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “I want you there.  I’m not going to hide who I am now. I’m not the same man who died four years ago and I’m not going to pretend. I just—“

Phil trails off mid-sentence and Lance sighs. “Tell me Phil. We’ve moved passed the secrets right?”

Phil sighs, “I just don’t want him to hate me.  I let him think I died.  Regardless of what happened afterwards, that had to hurt and he has every right to hate me, and I just, I just really don’t want that.” He gives Lance’s hand another reassuring squeeze. “I love you. But I’m always going to care about him and I just don’t want to think that he hates me.”

Lance put both his hands around Phil’s. “I can understand that. You’re a good man Phil, I wouldn’t expect you to feel any different.” He brings Phil’s hand up his lips to kiss. “Whatever happens, we’ll get through it together.”

 

* * *

 

The farm is quiet when they appear. Nick has called all the other avengers away for the day. He’s giving Phil this day to meet with Clint and figure things out.  He and Lance walk up the steps together and just before Phil knocks on the door Lance takes his hand and gives him a small smile.

Clint opens the door almost immediately and standing behind him, holding his hand, is Laura. The apprehension on her face says everything that Clint’s blank face doesn’t and Lance can’t help but laugh. “Oh bollocks! Look at you two!” He shakes his head and reaches out with his free hand to shake Laura’s hand. “Hello, I’m the bloke who put this idiot back together after his heart was broken. It’s a pleasure to meet the woman who was able to save his counterpart.”

Laura’s smile could outshine a sun when she shakes Lance’s hand, “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Now it’s Clint’s turn to laugh and he locks eyes with Phil, “I’m starting to think this could go very badly in a way I really hadn’t anticipated…”

Phil smiles and instinctively steps forward to hug him. “It was on my list but I’ll be honest, it wasn’t at the top.” The hug is easy. It’s friendly and it’s like how Natasha used to hug him. It feels better than he could have imagined and it’s easy to let go after a quick pat. “I was much more concerned about what you and Lance might have to say to each other.”

Clint chuckles, “Now that’s an interesting thought,” his eyes start to twinkle and he looks at Lance, “Does he still do that thing with the cereal and measuring his milk?”

Lance laughs out loud, “Yes! What is that all about?”

Clint smiles and gestures them both into the house, “If you ever figure it out, let me know, I tried for years. Come on in you two, I want you to meet the little ones.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted the first chapter on Tumblr and the feedback I got was so nice I didn't want to lose it in the Tumblr archives.
> 
> Chapter two was my first time trying to write a fix-it and thank you so much to Adamantstove for letting me copy and modify the fix-it they wrote.
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr at https://www.tumblr.com/blog/twangcat
> 
> I know these aren't popular pairs but feedback is love, let me know what you think!


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